You can't play Russian Roulette w/ a semi-automatic

What a concept…. You really cannot play Russian roulette with a semi automatic ….I have seen people who have tried. Why is it that when one is in the depths of despair, a person will stop thinking logically? All thoughts that a person has that would make sense just disappear. They become babbling idiots. Face it we all do. In that time people lose reason and turn to fear. We all have fears and when things get tough they come to full life. The inner demons come out and they start talking. The demons start to help you out. They begin to fill your head with all types of perverse thoughts. That’s when the guns come in. That’s when the despair gets to the deepest that they can. A person begins to think of ending it all. I have gotten to that point. I have seen where my demons live and what they can do to me. I seem to always mess things up when it gets bad. People around me never seem to really understand. I have fears associated with so many things and some of them are very serious. I cannot explain all of them clearly as I would like to but I seem never to find the right words. I seem to scare people when they learn about my fears… I have a few strange ones. The biggest problem with all of the fears and worries is that they can push people away, or worse yet make you push people away. I have a serious problem with that. I do not want to. I really don’t. See the problem occurs because I never want to hurt the people closest to me. I try to protect them and then it just seems to get out of hand. I lose control. The demons take over and start to tell me it would be better for the person to stay away from me instead of trying to get them to understand. I hate hurting people. At the same time, I do not want to lose that person; I want to keep them close to me. I want them to be in my life for a very long time. I fear now that I may have done really wrong this time. I feel like I have picked up the semi automatic, and gotten ready to play. I feel like I have pushed to far. I feel like I have not explained well enough what my demons do to me. I have not been able to rightfully atone for what my demons already have done; not only to me but also to the one I care for. I doubt that anyone will really understand this but I wanted to try. I wanted to think and figure out where my life is going. I want to know where my relationship is going. I fear that I have taken things to far and now I will lose everything I have ever wanted. So with the proverbial gun in hand it seems time for me to pull the trigger. I have no choice. I have to hope that she will actually understand. I have to hope that she unloaded the gun.
I hope I get to stay with her. I hope we are okay. I hope it works out this time. I just hope.